9 Great Bollywood Films You Shouldn't Watch With Outsiders

"Bollywood kitsch revisited by Ritan Chauhan" - image source

It has never been easier to convince friends and acquaintances of the normality and non-kitschy/awkwardness of Hindi films by showing them a contemporary one.
Be it Luck by Chance, Dhoom:2 or Dostana - all of these count as successes for my inner missionary of Bollywood. Personally, I would even prefer many other films over the latter two, films that are more profound, to put it that way. It is important to keep the balance between trash and snobism when introducing your friends to an exotic film industry.

But while my journey through and with Indian films has certainly broadened and improved my cinematic taste, there is another phenomena amongst non-Indian Bollywood-viewers, namely one I don't mention very often.
I'm talking about the side of Bollywood, that is darker than any Anurag Kashyap film you have ever seen... In fact the secret of this darkness is a mixture of bright colours that blind the eye, which is already confused by curtains of glycerin tears, all of this resulting in a never-ending darkness of... greatness.

Believe it or not; the more Bollywood films you see, no matter what quality they are, you will feel yourself more and more accepting and in the end getting closer to the dark side of Bollywood, until finally, it has become a part of you. You may try to shake it off with the help of long Fellini-DVD nights, but there is nothing you can do. Once a member of the club, always a member of the club, that's the only rule.

If however, you feel too ashamed by your little dark secret, there are ways to conceal it. Most of the ways to do this are in fact passive ones, in casual conformance with the motto "Don't ask, don't tell". So don't start a movie blog. And if you have one, don't write posts called "9 Great Bollywood Films You Probably Shouldn't Watch With Outsiders", or anything similar. Everybody will know then, and you don't want that to happen, do you?
Another advice from my side is: don't talk about the films, to any. body. Not your sister, your brother, your parents - even your best friend might be a spy from the commission of officially high-quality motion pictures.

Any unsolved questions? Oh yes, thank you for reminding me: what if the films from the dark side have become such a big part of your life that you loose the ability to distinguish between dark and bright films?
In case you are confronted with this problem, there is little I can do for you. But if you're truly in desperation, this list I just created might be a help for you - these are the worst great films I could think of, and you should never. ever. mention the titles of these films in front of anybody else than yourself or your lawyer. Did you understand me? You look a little pale... Hey, it's for your own safety.
And remember: the higher the film is in the list, the more dangerous is it to mention its name in public.

List of those-who-must-not-be-named-ever-after

9. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (1998) Karan Johar

Too childish for an adult movie to be taken seriously by people from ages 11+... ahem.

Your official opinion: „I'm so glad these freakin' 90s are finally over.“

8. Kaho Naa... Pyaar Hai (2000) Rakesh Roshan

Almost the same as the previous, but even less realistic. And the two halves fit even less (officially).

Your official opinion: „Well, Hrithik had to start at some place.“

7. Josh (2000) Mansoor Khan

A guilty pleasure that many people don't even know... seriously, Romeo and Juliet in Goa? Awe... I mean gruesome!

Your official opinion: „Shah Rukh can't sing, salla.“

6. Mohabbatein (2000) Aditya Chopra

I still hear Amitabh speaking the introduction-speech... this film is just epic. 

This is the essential epic kitsch fiesta. Which can be seen as a negative or positive description.

Your official opinion: „See, nobody of the youngsters got famous. Told'ya, Aditya.“

5. Murder (2004) Anurag Basu

Most people will either be embarrassed or crazy about the first half, but they most probably won't like the second half. I don't care - and by the way, I have no idea why I like this movie either.

Your official opinion: „Disgusting. Hitchcock for poor teenagers.“

4. Yes Boss (1997) Aziz Mirza

The kitschiest and cutest introduction sequence ever. 

I want this movie to become a teddy bear so I can put it in my bed and cuddle up to it whenever I feel sad.

Your official opinion: „No wonder Juhi never got her big breakthrough.“

3. Action Replayy (2010) Vipul Shah

Why was this film not bad again? Oh yes, because it's freaking hilarious.

Believe me, I wanted to hate it. It wasn't my fault.

Your official opinion: „Annoying and far beyond its time.“

2. Tees Maar Khan (2010) Farah Khan

And the same for this one: I practically hated it before seeing it. 

Little did I know about the genius Akshay Kumar.

Your official opinion: „Another slapstick mass production from the hands of Mr. Kumar. Farah Khan disappoints with her second feature film.“

1. Ram Jaane (1995) Rajiv Mehra

This film... Don't watch it. Just don't. 

You still have time to run away - this is something nobody should know nor like.

Damn. WHY did you do this to me?!

Your official opinion: „Do I need to say anything?“

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I hope this will serve as a little help for you.

The Good, The Weird, The Awesome - Triple Mini-Review

ACTION REPLAYY - EK CHALIS KI LAST LOCAL - ANARI

That I would end up writing about these three films in particular, in one single post, was nothing I had had in mind when watching them. They were just coincidental views, films that I bought because I was curious and had heard about them. It's funny that Ek Chalis Ki Last Local was the only one I had been wanting to buy for a long time, the only one I watched even though it wasn't the first one of my new films, alphabetically - and the only one I ended up not liking, plus being disappointed by.

Anari and Ek Chalis Ki Last Local have currently received the exact same rating at the IMDB: 7.3/10. Both are Parallel Indian Cinema, Anari was a Superhit with superstars, directed by disinguished Hrishikesh Mukherjee - Ek Chalis Ki Last Local was a Flop with "normal" actors and directed by debuting director Sanjay M. Khaduri. Now, Action Replayy is something in between, starring two big Indian stars, but receiving a Below Average rating from the box-office, a 3.9/10 rating at IMDB and being directed by a unsuccessful but commonly known director (Vipul A. Shah). 

Differently from my other mini-reviews, I won't divide this one into the different films, but into categories and compare the films this way.

Who's who?

Just to clear this at the very beginning - without revealing my deepest thoughts, which I will do at the end only; 

The Good: Action Replayy (2010)

The Weird: Ek Chalis Ki Last Local (2007)

The Awesome: Anari (1959)

Story

Many people pointed out, that the main idea of Action Replayy seemed to be stolen from all-time-classic Back to the Future, which in some ways is true, but the story actually is very different. Still, this does not make it more original; I haven't heard or read anyone mentioning this before, but the plot is very similar to 2007 German tv-production Küss mich, Genosse! (IMDB). I don't appreciate story stealing at all, so in this category, AR does worst. One of the problems about Ek Chalis Ki Last Local is, that there doesn't seem to be any story at all. A guy misses his train at night, has to spend two hours in a village and meets a girl. Boring, and hard to make a good screenplay of (which I also don't think they did). 

The sad-funny story of a poor young gold-hearted man, who doesn't seem to have much luck by his side is typically Raj-Kapoor and 50's Indian cinema - so it's not hard to decide, who wins in this section.

Screenplay

As already said, ECKLL's screenplay doesn't count to the best ones made. The love story is minimally interesting, but all other plot lines didn't catch my attention at all, which is also why I turned off the DVD player after almost 2 hours. Off course, I could have stayed through the last 30 minutes, but I really couldn't stand it any longer. 

AR takes us on a bubbly, coulourful 70s-trip and manages to never let boringness slip through any giant screenplay-holes. How nice.

Everything in Anari can be classified as either interesting, amusing, or entertaining - in one word: as Raj Kapoor. Therefore, as in every other category, Anari wins.

Cast

You (and I) already know that no one can beat Raj Kapoor, but as I'm not the most versed person concerning actors from the 50s, I'll tell you what I thought about my first meeting with Nutan. I was very pleased by her performance, her wittiness and beauty, which reminded me strongly of Kate Winslet. Along with Raj Kapoor and Lalita Pawar, she is the person that makes Anari shine. -- If you've been following this year's Deol Dhamakka, you've most certainly read my (only) contribution to that event (if not, read it here). In that post, among other things, I tried to express my love to Abhay Deol, which thankfully is still untouched after watching this film. He was lovely as ever in ECKLL - thank god. An item song in Heyy Babyy was all that I'd seen of Neha Dhupia until ECKLL (and Action Replayy, for that matter), but she does look promising, even though I think there's much more she can, than what I've seen yet. 

Aishwarya Rai, I don't think you're the Queen of Bollywood, like Western media often tries to call you, but nevertheless what you are is: definitely already one of the finest actresses of this decade, one of the best dancers after Madhubala and Madhuri Dixit, and one of the most beautiful women I've seen. Akshay Kumar is... well, I think he's one of the most sympathetic actors I know, and also he can make the worst movies and still not loose me as his fan. He can also look incredibly ugly in films, and incredibly 70s-fashion-victimy - never will my affection for him die.

I think we can agree that all of these films could mention some worthy names in their credits, and that all of them did a good job.

Music

One of the reasons, and also the most important one, that I wanted to watch ECKLL, was not Abhay Deol, funnily. Around the releasing time in 2007, I had one of those periods where I listen to all of the latest Bollywood soundtracks, and immediately fell in love with this one - three years before I even watched my first Abhay-film. Laree Choote features a wonderful singer and is very intense, Ekka Chauka is funny and fast, Akh Ladiye is a great example for a disco-background/underground-track - shortly: I love the soundtrack.

Also Anari  was discovered by me through its music, namely when I listened to some of the songs that won a Filmfare Award for Best Singer. The song I'm talking about ("Sab Kuchh Seekha Humne") really is one of the best ones I know, combining satirical lyrics with the awesome singing talent of Mukesh and an interesting melody. But also the other tracks are fabulous and will stay on my mind (and iPod).

Though I listened to the music of AR before, I only really liked it in the film. The best tracks are Zor Ka Chhatka and Nakhre, while Baaki Main Phool Gayi can only be described with 9 letters: h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s, believe me. However, this soundtrack is the weakest, compared to the other two.

Title

Ek Chalis Ki Last Local = The Local Train That Went at 1:40.

Unusual title, but in the end just as totally meaningless as the film itself.

Action Replayy = Action Replay 

Fits the story, but the second "y" is just as annoying as stolen from Heyy Babyy (2007).

Anari = Idiot/ simpleton

Brilliant title, brilliantly used in the film.

Camera (Cinematography)

After all those camera-experimental films, filled with 1-second-shots, dizzy-making rotations and shaky hand cameras, a 1959 classic black-white motion picture can feel like a supreme vacation (inlcuding virgin pina colada). Long, clear-shot scenes, no distracting eastman colour, grainy quality... I am sighing with relief. One may notice, that ECKLL is also shot in a rather quiet and non-distracting way, but a little more bang-bang would have been nice due to the boring screenplay. I'd like to mention the kiss scene though, which was not only well-performed but also beautifully captured.

The poster of Action Replayy already says that the film is shot "IN EASTMAN COLOUR", and that's also what you NOTICE when looking at the poster. 70s slam-tam-bamboo-banga eastman colour, that's what this film is made of. Sometimes the camera setting is very mainstream-music-video like, for example in the song Zor Ka Jhatka, but otherwise very fitting and a good contrary to category-winner Anari.

In a nutshell... (Lucky-Nut)

Action Replayy: 

I expected a long-drawn, exaggerating, very below average film with some good songs.

I saw a never-boring, exaggerating, very entertaining personal-hit (with some good songs).

Ek Chalis Ki Last Local:

I expected a satirical, unusual, surprising film with a cute Abhay and a great soundtrack.

I saw a boring, art-housy-bad, uninteresting and weird film with a cute Abhay and a great soundtrack.

Anari:

I expected a Raj-Kapoor-film.

I saw a Raj-Kapoor-film.

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Let's end this post with a little smile:

"Marriage, now? We've only just sung a duet song!"

(Akshay Kumar in Action Replayy)

Review: "Aashayein" (No Smoking???)

AASHAYEIN (2010) [आशायें]

Director: Nagesh Kukunoor
Screenplay: Nagesh Kukunoor

Starring: John Abraham, Sonal Sehgal, Anaitha Nair

Plot: Just after winning a fortune via betting, Rahul is diagnosed of having longue cancer. He decides to leave his girlfriend and heads to a hospice situated at the sea. There he meets many different persons, for example a HIV-positive ex-prostitute, the cute little boy Govinda and Padma, a 17 year old girl with blood cancer. What happens then? Good question. Actually: Not much.

Written the 3rd of January 2011

Can you hear me yawn? I'v generously sacrificed my nocturnal hours for giving this movie a chance to entertain me, and what do I get in return: Boredom spiced with a handful of good actors and passable songs.

Still, “Aashayein” has its moments and is at times well entertaining. This is mostly obtained with the help of above-named good actors and music.

"Don't smoke!" - Message of the movie? 

John Abraham, who in the lately tries to establish himself as an actor for challenging roles, makes a good job of it and is able of expressing a wide rang of feelings: In the beginning he's airily and casual, but a little later, the distress and panic, caused by the disease, come through.Furthermore, his presentation never seems melodramatic or exaggerated – except for the Indiana Jones sequences, which were too abstruse for me. But that wasn't John's fault. Off course, he looks splendid as always and is even allowed to melt the hearts of two women. One of the hearts belongs to Padma, played by Anaitha Nair, who already caught my attention in “Chak De India”. She's one of the newcomers we should keep an eye on, especially because we don't have to worry about overdressed, trivial role choices. In my last review (“Dil Chahta Hai”), I already mentioned the problem of too many films pairing a too young heroine with an older hero. It is like that in this film, but the subject is at the same time being given more attention than in other films, and also provokes more, as the audience is somehow hoping for something to happen between the two of them. An interesting sensing of the borders, which I, just like in “Nishabd”, liked very much. “Aashayein” also offers some decent supporting actors, such as Farida Jalal and Sonal Sehgal, who indeed aren't too important, but at least they don't annoy.

Why is she doing on the poster?

Biggest problem of the film is in my book simply the script. It has several flaws and it's just that factor, that mostly destroys a film experience for me. (More about that here). The film is concerned with two not easy subjects: death and disease. A film about those two things has to walk a tightrope: on one hand, it has to show the earnestness of these factors and be realistic. But on the other hand, it needs to add a certain amount of hope, filmic freedom and humour. Finding the balance between those can be very difficult, and in my mind, this is where “Aashayein” fails. The humor is at times funny, at others though too black and acid-tongued. Concerning the subject of disease and death, I have two opinions about that. The diseases of the hospice residents proceed in a very realistic way, but some other scenes seemed very crass and particularly unrealistic to me. 1) Without answering back for a long time, a nurse gives euthanasia to one of the patients, and after she's passed away smiling, the subjects is never taken up again, nor is the sister in any ways being sued. 2) The Indiana Jones scenes. I already mentioned them, and they were just needless. They could just have been leaved out and instead, Govinda, who narrates the story, could have been shown. This resolution would have raised the level.

I also didn't like the end. Just as in thousands of other films, the makers have not understood the difference of an appropriate happy-end and it should be made. And finally, the mentioned boredom... To everyone who has in mind to watch this film, I can only recommend listening to the song “Aashayein” from “Iqbal”. It is more exciting, more sensitive and if you still don't like it, you don't have to suffer for a long time.

Rating: 3.9

Thank you for reading my review,
Mette M. K.